My birthday has become just another lonely event. I need someone that I want to be near me. I want skin and a male voice. I want to sleep with someone and listen to them talk. I want that every day. I don’t want these girls that are not honest, and I don’t want these boys that are overdone and emotional. And I am done with the loneliness.
I have an extreme fascination with blood. I love how it is both a symbol of life and death. And I like wearing red lipstick because it looks like my lips are made of blood. I don’t think it’s morbid. It’s the one bit of irony that I am open to display.
I am amazed by the existence of existence, and I have found good things to think off, and so tonight, I am confident that I will sleep easy.
In speaking to him.. I think I have been living in a way that is not best for me. I need to correct my life and then stop thinking about myself so much. I need more positive thoughts. I need to read more, and to learn.
I’m losing myself. I can feel it happening. I am beginning to hate my surroundings. I find myself repeating, “I want to go home.” even if I am in my home. I don’t know what this says about me. I have been too exhausted to analyze myself as of late. Too exhausted and too anxious. I feel as though I am being heated up from the inside. My blood is boiling, and I am overheated. I need rest. I need to leave this place.
My compulsions are becoming more violent. Today I feel the need to push my nail into my eye throw my lid. And as these compulsions get more and more violent, it becomes Harder for me to resist the urge to fulfill them. It becomes almost impossible for me to function without proper supervision. I am starting to fear my fingers and lose trust in my own hands.
I find myself to get overly frustrated with my life a lot. And I’ve found that my tolerance for pretty much everyone in my life to dramatically decrease whenever I get in one of these moods. All I want to do is fight with them. And that’s not really fair.
I’m not writing as fluently as I would hope, so I am going to stop there.
It’s funny how a kiss can alter your mood and tone.
Company is needed.
Reading back on my more recent entries, I don’t know what to feel. I really was truly obsessed with contentment. It’s strange.
I did get my chance to speak with Luq, although the obsession never quite came up. That is, we did not discuss it at length. I am glad for this, honestly, as I do not know what I may have gained, if anything, from sharing it at all.
As of the past few days, I have fallen into a state of… Neutrality, for lack of a better word. The stress of some situations combined with the pure emotional attachment to people bringing about extremes in emotion have caused me to shut down. I do not know what to think, only that I wish to forget. No. Not forget. But merely push aside my thoughts for the now. There are people that I now am not sure of, attachments that I may, intentionally or not, cut as to selfishly spare myself. Alas, I am not sure. The neutrality inside me is causing conflict to my reactions in a sense that it is making me nothing but bored with trying to figure it out. So, I am trapped in this state.
I am not sure yet how to proceed.
